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Since most of my Complusive lying Drama is done with, this journal will now switch to mostly Friends only.

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Hooooooo-Laaaaaaaa-Hooooooooop

Bwah I finally have the internet back, after what, a month? And I have one small thing to say on this LJ:


Bye :)


Since the main people that still read this are those who only leave anonymos comments, and hate me, Good bye :) I'm not the person you all hate anymore, and I'd like to have an LJ I wouldn't be ashamed of my actual friends seeing, so as to complete the last little bit of my change, I figure I'll sever this tie as well.


Once you stop hating me, I hope you can be happy for me.

And thanks for the fish

I slept with Tyler.


And my dad shut the internet off.


Neither are related.


Good night, and good bye.

So long

I guess I'm going to give Tyler my copy of Dharma Bums. I wrote something on the inside cover for him, but I dunno if he's going to take it seriously *shrug*. If he really is leaving... I already insanely miss him, I just wish things could be like they were two months ago. He's a compeltely dispicable compulsive liar, but I can't help but want to be around him *sigh*.

Papa and I had a great day, we only fought once and we both got a lot out, so it was good. Today we're going to go to breakfast at Harley's, and then I have work. I got three beautiful books, leather bound. Complete Shakespeare, Complete Poe, and Complete Carrol.

I think I'm only so attracted to Tyler because he is exactly what I was. A complete compulsive liar destroying their life. I don't know if he gives a fuck about me, but that doesn't stop my feelings in the least, I like that he's rough, and such a great kisser, and distant, I wish we hadn't ended. I still have his necklace that I broke, I fixed it and I keep it next to my keyboard. I won't forget him, not ever.

Dream a little dream of me

Ironically, it snowed all night *smiles brightly* Thanks, mother earth.

Let the snow fall

I don't know why after so much work, effort, and struggle, I still feel like I'm swimming upstream. I can count the number of times I've lied in the past two months on one hand, I'm finally turning around my school situation to where I will not only graduate, but have the hope of college. I never thought 3 years ago, when all the Jason drama happened, that I would be where I am now. Never. I thought I would be 250lbs and lonely. Instead, I am 158lbs (woo, New scale), and lonely. I have friends, real friends, not just the online friends, who are nice and all... but there is no real connection. They are shallow, and don't really get me. The few who do, I'm too shy to discuss any thing with. I was basically a social recluse for so long, I lost basic friend-making skills with people that I actually *want* to be friends with. I over heard some co-workers talking about me, and they all unanimously agreed. A quiet, extremely nice, smart girl.

I have lost the "next plot line" personality trait. I no longer look for an oppourtunity to manipulate someone, period. I've even almost registered for a new Planetside Account, but I don't think I'm ready to be around that many online men.

At this age, all the quiestions I hear are "So, college next? What will you be? Future plans?" I almost wanted to tell the next person that asks "I wanna marry rich and getk knocked up right outa high school". I have an actual answer now, though. I want to understand the psychology of a compulsive liar, especially in childhood and how that ends up translating into adult hood. I want to help kids who feel like they're swimming upstream, psychology has always been a kind of passion, and now I have that oppourtunity. I don't know why I didn't think about it before.

It feels like there is no one left to be happy for me. If I were Ally, I would have said this all to be some new career, or family oppourtunity. For Samira, I would have said it all to be a college oppourtunity. And here, the real Taylor, has no one but her dog. I dunno, I'm trying so hard, and it almost feels like my own gratification at the end of the day is that I'm happy for me, but (and this sounds so pathetic) I would like just one other person to recognize my efforts and say "Hey Taylor, you really are trying." But I'm not only trying, I'm succeeding. I know I've burnt all of my bridges, and it is my fault, but forgivness for a completely turned around person who is trying so, so hard, shouldn't be so much. At least recognition of how far I've come, or the effort I have poured in. Even my dog is disinterested in my thoughts, and more so on my bagel.

Tomorrow I'm going to spend it cleaning for Papa, make him a happy surprise when he gets home. He'll love that. I'm afraid no oneh as been around to keep up the house, me working and school, and him at work.

Peer Mediator

I was selected to be a peer mediator at my high school, Finally I'm getting some extra curriculars (thank god). I also switched from my PE Class to a Counsling Aid, free A for me.

Jesus Christ, I mean, Oy.

I love my dad, I'm worried about him, but Fuck. I can only take so much. One day I'm a cold hearted bitch, the next I'm my mother, today he'd "Rather not talk to you because I critisize everything I say". Here is a tip: Don't ask my advice if you don't want it.

About my dad: He is a 48 (49 in November) year young man who weighs 300 or so pounds, smokes, and lacks any motivation at all to do anything about either problems. He has severe self esteem issues that stop him from dating Anyone, At all. He hasn't had a DATE in 5 years, sex in 9, and hasn't had a serious friend in 3. He has relied on his daughter (me) to be his sole friend in all those years. One day in July, his daughter was sick of her shit life and did something about it. With in a week she had a job, and a month a boyfriend and many friends. He is now Lonely and desperate for his daughter to return to her previous state, even though she was remarkably lonely and depressed, but at least he had his friend. Now she is leaving him completely behind for her own life, because she is 17. It is time for her to start leading her own life. She works for seven hours a day, and school for six. The rest she needs to study, and sleep. I'm sorry if he's lonely, but my "hiding" in my room away from him is because he is a depressed crab to be around lately, and I don't want to deal with that, who does?! All he does is complain and whine and when he's not complaining or whining he's being judgmental about everyone, and everything. He tells me he doesn't like to talk to me about anything because I critisize what he says. Not only is that amazingly hipocritical, but he's asking what I think. YOu can't ask myopinion, and then get mad at it. And if you really don't tot alk to me, THEN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

It's that time again...

I just got off of the phone with a friend of mine, only to be left thinking "Why on earth am I friends with her?" Where I prefer conversations about politics, or religion, or the humanities, she prefers gossip, and celebrities, and boys. Where she listens to the backstreet boys, I prefer the Opera and Motown. Where she reads Glamour and Seventeen, I read Newsweek and Seed. Forget about books, because she doesn't read any. This just leaves me to wonder, am I friends with her because I'm lonely and cannot find someone who relates to interests similar to mine, or because I feel sorry for her. In either case, neither are good reasons to keep talking to someone who is shallow and drives me up the wall. Then again, to end a friendship with a girl who really lacks friends soley because I am selfish enough to note our differences and let it stand in the way, I mean, she is a nice girl who wishes no ill will on others, and the friendship will die out on its own when she realizes we have nothing in common.

October

Lately I have been in a really romanticized (wow I actually spelt that correctly) mood. Everything wintery or autumn like has just, well, made my day. As I sit here at 11:42PM, September 30th, I can't help but smile that October is finally here in 18 minutes. It's time for all my winter things, and the snow to fall and that makes me smile even more. Papa and I packed up some (a box full) of DVDs and books to donate to Safeway's Breast Cancer fundraising thing, so that's for an excellent cause.

I feel really comfortable in my skin right now. I haven't lied in quite a while (the weight thing to Maya, which was quite small if you think about it), and I'm finally really begining to practice what I believe to be the correct way to live, and that makes me smile so much as well. I have just a few things to cut out, and a few to add, to finally be the person I want to be. That is so much better then the fantasy I was leading before, because this is real. I can finally say that I honestly am a vegetarian, buddhist, book loving, music adoring, animal loving, happy person. Adam is teaching me swing dancing right now, he's not quite like anyone I've ever met. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly taken by him, because I am. He isn't gorgeous looking, or anything like that, but he is just one of the most amazing people I've met. He's adventurous, and wants to do so many things, I hope he gets the chance. I don't even know if he's dating anyone, all we ever talk about is the world. The thought of him makes me smile.

Despite the skinny jeans, I think I've gained a little bit of weight. Bleh. Going to have to try harder, I guess. I know I need to get to bed, but I'm just not tired right now. How can I possibly be tired when so much is going on in the world? I don't see how people can sleep, I'm so afraid I'll miss something, you know? The world is such a beautiful place, I hope I get to see all of it some day. Some day soon. When I graduate, that's what I'm going to do. Buy a plane ticket, round trip, to somewhere. Anywhere. The first place available that is another country, and just go. Take the money I have on me and hope it lasts till I get back. I'm wanderlust and in love with the world. When I get back, I'm going to go to Bellingham WA, for college, taking one of the three: Rehabilitation Counseling/Counselor, Psychology, General, or Counseling Psychology. I'm going to make an appointment with my counselor to try and work out the kinks in my schedual to get me better on track for this.

I want to devote my life to something more then me.